Letter to my ex situation
Still feels like I closed my eyes for a second and it was all over. It's so crazy because maybe,a part of me expects the pain to go away just as fast. A part of me wants to forget just as quick.
In the back of my head I keep asking myself,what are you expecting to achieve by writing to him? I guess I have a lot I want to say. I also need closure. I need a lot of that.
I'm anxious. I'm really anxious you'll forget. I'm afraid you'll forget my scent. I'm afraid you've forgotten how many sugars I like in my coffee. I'm afraid you'll forget my favourite books. I'm afraid you've already forgotten, about me. Another thing is that I have a lot of questions. A lot. But I tear up at the thought of you looking at this letter & rolling your eyes at it.
It's almost been a 2 months but I'm still so afraid to walk in the direction of the "break up". I'm afraid to think about it. I'm afraid to talk about it. I try distract myself but every time I get a moment to myself,it's right in front of me. Staring at me dead,in the eye. I'm starting to think that perhaps the rejection,the abandonment has started to define me. Thats who I am when I'm not busy,that's who I am before I sleep. That's who I am before I get out of bed. That's who I am when I'm alone. Not to say that's not who I am when I am busy but ohk... uhm. Ohk,let me describe it to you as seeing someone you know & pretending you didn't see them so that you don't have to greet them and having to try very hard not to look in their direction. That's what it feels like. Heavy.
I'm not too great at expressing myself. So I don't,most of the time. When I was 17,I fell inlove for the very first time. I didn't really understand it,I was young and the relationship was long distance but I knew I was inlove. 5 years later,I met you and ofcourse now I'd experienced alot,I'd learnt alot. I'd met alot of boys,I'd been in a few relationships but when I met you,it felt alot like what it felt like when I was 17. There's a lot of reasons why that won't make sense to a lot of people. It didn't make sense to me a lot of times. I tried to fight it off time and time again but you know,look where I am. I tried to fight it off because a lot of the times,I'd mistaken love for give and take. That in order for me to be sure of how I felt about you,I had to be sure you felt something somewhat similar and caught myself trying to completely obliterate my feelings because I felt most of the time they weren't requited.
Anyway. I've been struggling more especially with this because I'm struggle to find a lesson in it. Why did I have to go through this, why did you have to go through it? Surely it wasn't so I could feel my heart break and spend my nights trying to piece myself back up together. Surely it wasn't so I could spend my days wondering if you're ohkay and whether or not you have anyone to talk to. Surely it wasn't so I could wonder if you're spending enough time with your brother and how your mother is doing. Surely it wasn't so I could wonder how those new hair products are treating you & whether or not . Surely it isn't so I can kick myself at the fact that I'm writing to you. It's always felt like weakness but honestly,I'm just trying to find my strength again. Question is,have you learnt anything at all from this?? I haven't.
That's just the beginning of my questions.
Was I that hard to love or did it have nothing to do with me at all? Am I missing something about myself?
Do I perhaps not know who I am,did I lead you to resenting me so much?
Did I give you too much of me,did it overwhelm you?
Did I give you too little,did that aggravate you?
Did you feel like an option to me? Did you need me,was I not there for you?
Did that make you leave?
Was I too emotional for you,was I not emotional enough?
Was I too needy?
Did you meet somebody else,did that make you feel like you didn't need me anymore?
Did you ever need me?
Did you meet someone else?
Is she worth it?
There's so much around me,that says "don't blame yourself" but if I'm not blaming myself,I'm hating you. I really want to perhaps it would be easier to forget that way. Easier to move on. But I'm worried I'd be missing something about myself. I feel like I'd be missing the lesson you were used to teach me. I need,closure. Please. If not for the fact that I'm asking you,do it purely for the fact that I'd do it for you. Do it because you once cared & that it will make me better. Write back.